Wedding Vows

1. "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" will not even be a consideration. Nor will any other songs from any "Party Mix of the 80s" CDs.

2. No Poofy Dresses. No Sparkles.

3. No Introductions. The future Mr. Helen Green and I will both know everyone present at the wedding, there will be no need for introductions.

4. No strobe lights or "party buses." No bringing back memories from the worst prom you ever went to.

5. We will NOT take dance lessons. The first dance will be an emotional onslaught of love NOT a bunch of robotic maneuverings.

6. No paraphanelia (leis, moracas, fireman hats). In fact my wedding will in no way resemble any Sweet 16 you ever went to either. (Unless you know an incredibly classy 16 year old). **No other kinds of paraphanelia either people!

7. Everyone. And I mean EVERYONE will shed tears due to the overwhelming emotion brought on by the day. You doubt me? Yeah? I'm gonna make you cry from sheer emotion and happiness. I am good at that! Don't believe me? I'll give you numbers for references.

8. This will not be a normal day. You will realize while at my wedding that this is the first day of the rest of your life as well. (I am not selfish!)

9. NO GIRLS BATHROOMS. I know it sounds rash. But, although everyone WILL shed some tears, there will be no girls bathrooms because-GIRLS CRY IN BATHROOMS AT WEDDINGS!! And not the kind of crying that I'm encouraging. There's a secret club in the bathrooms at weddings and you get in only if you cry. (I know this because I can totally crash this club. I have a sympathetic smile. I am an actress.)

10. No humping or grinding. If any of this occurs this person will be kicked out no matter how close they are to the groom or myself. Even if it IS the groom or myself- kicked out. Have I not driven home the fact yet that this will be the classiest semi-casual looking but not casual in spirit wedding that you'll ever attend in your life?! Have I not driven home the fact that this will be the first day of the rest of your life? Do you really want to be humping in front of your relatives or my relatives on that day?!?

11. Drugs. Certain members of my family will recieve sedatives as a "thank you for coming gift" before the wedding even starts. In fact before wedding week even starts.

12. No silly games. HOWEVER there will be a throwing of the bouquet and garter! Because for single people the first day of the rest of your life needs to exude hope!

13. My mom will NOT be cutting my meat for me as soon as it arrives:

Actually maybe she will.

To each his own, but these are my vows. Deal. Look forward to it. (Hope it happens.)

Because, I promise-- the first day of the rest of your life.

Father's Day

Sunday, of course, was Father's Day. So, I figured, what better opportunity to annoy the hell out of my mom, thus entertaining my dad! After all I let her get away with murder on Mother's Day!

(Entertainment: A WAY better gift than the tie I got him with monkeys on it.)

Now my mom is THE BEST! (On Sunday alone she randomly brought me the makings for Strawberry Shortcake and then she told me I needed more jewelry and that she would like to provide it!) BUT if you want to get a rise out of someone, my mom is the woman to go to! She is THE BEST at that too! In fact, I bet I'm accomplishing that same task as we speak! So, I decided the way I would do it at brunch was to discuss my cousin's upcoming wedding that we are all attending.

(Note:I am actually looking forward to the wedding because it's gonna be super-different from the weddings I normally attend, and also, the family that is holding it is very entertaining and fun loving.)

Questions, statements and responses regarding the wedding that get a rise out of my mother:

1. Are you going to get drunk on white wine and start laughing for no reason?
2. Are people going to find out I live in Manhattan and start asking me questions based on the fact that they think that I live the life of Carrie Bradshaw?
3. Based on #2 are they going to ask me about going to BED and Pastis? I'm not answering those questions, Mom, I. am. not! That would be SO cheesy!
4. Also, simply based on #2, not on my actions, or appearance, do you think people are going to refer to me as "that slutty cousin from NY"?
5. During the vows can I put my acting skills to good use and start crying and making a scene and shouting, "This should have been me?"
6. Can I buy one of those fake $9 engagement rings and pretend I'm engaged to someone infamous? Like Joey Buttafuco?
7. Last time we were there they were comparing whose truck could better drive up a dirt pile- so- I guess what I'm asking is- Is this wedding going to be a ho down?
8. Can I get my brother drunk and dare him to do things that will embarrass us all?
9. When people annoyingly ask me if they've, "seen anything I've been in?" can I say that I have a movie coming out with Diane Keaton? No? An article coming out in Teen Vogue? A book deal? A Clearasil commercial? Ugh, fine.
10. When people find out I'm almost 26 and still single, can I suggest that maybe it's because I'm a lesbian?
11. I am wearing a classy black dress, but if I style it properly I can make it look Goth- Can I look Goth for the wedding Mom?
12. This is taking place in a small town in Connecticut, can I continually ask "Where the hell are Luke and Lorelai today?"
13. Can I act like I'm too good for everyone and comment that "we would never do it this way where I come from!" ?
14. Are they seriously going to play the entire "Paradise by the Dashboard Light?"
15. Can I put on a Southern accent?
16. Can I make out with all the cute groomsman, perpetuating #2?
17. Can I chain smoke?
18. Mom, this is gonna be open bar, right?

Die Alex. Go to Hell, Ang.

My mother and her sister, both who have long names that are easily transformed into an array of nicknames, decided when they were having children that they wanted us to have names that would be concise so that they could not be shortened.

So, although my Mom and Dad liked several other names, they settled on Helen because there wasn't a nickname to go with it like some of the other options in my parent's name bank ( Alexandra...Angelina).

So my mom went with Helen and my aunt went with Diana.

Now people call us Hel and Di.

Backfired.

Anyway....

After spending the greater part of my morning on a rather conservative message board, I decided to get back to my roots and hippy it up yesterday for lunch at Whole Foods.

"Your roots? Hippy? Come on Helen?"

Ok, well maybe not my original roots, as I do come from the most Republican county in New York, but my COLLEGE roots, when I lived in Binghamton's CIW, the "hippy" dorms!

"Helen? You mean the two years you spent rolling your eyes at hippies and laughing uncontrollably everytime they said 'damn the man'"

Ugh fine! I told you I can't be categorized!

"You did. You did say that!"

Wow! I'm such an enigma...

"Right. Anyway?"

Oh right.. anyway.. so I got lunch at Whole Foods with Sarah. Something light to balance out a lot of heavy eating the day before. (Bacon, egg & cheese breakfast w/ a sweet latte, tomato soup for lunch, chocolate peanut butter milkshake for snack, cheeseburger and beer for dinner) But then, as we were walking past the cheese section I felt an intense craving for some Brie.

"Should I get cheese!?"
"Why not?"
"I guess it's better to snack on at work than something sugary..."
"Yeah."
"I mean cheese isn't that great for you, but since when am I a health nut?And also a block this big will last me like a week!"
"Exactly. It's a good snack."

It is 24 hours later and that Brie is over. Totally eaten, by me. I have no willpower.

Just Breathe

Oh. my. god. No. Oh My God. I can't believe this. Ohmgod. Seriously? But it was going so well! I really appreciated that you were always there.

I know at the beginning when I came to you, you weren't present.. and so eventually I stopped trying- when I came to terms with the fact that no matter how persistent I was you weren't just going to suddenly appear.

But then.. one day, not in a fit of panic, but more out of curiosity, I went to you again.. and you were there! And so I started coming more and more often. First with extreme appreciation for every moment we spent together and then in a bit of a "take for granted" way. But I totally never took you for granted! I loved that you were there! You gave me great joy and were extremely useful and stopped me from turning elsewhere every day. But it was all such a tease!

I didn't expect it when I woke up today. Last night I didn't even go to you because I figured we had today. I figured I'd give you the night to yourself. And then I got dressed this morning. Put on my favorite fitted collared shirt. The baby blue one with the little purple pears on it. And I walked in and typed www.gmail.com and .... You totally blocked me you asshole!

UGH-- GMAIL! No more GMAIL at work! OMG! How am I going to get used to this?

I NEVER sent "confidential information" via you. I never did that! Do you think I did? Cuz I didn't! I knew that was wrong. And yet they're stopping us from being together. And you're not doing anything about it! AND I'M SUCH A GOOD EMAILER! SUCH GOOD EMAILS! And that gmail chat feature that you had.. ugh.. I loved it..it led me to be able to schedule coffee sessions with Sarah down the block, and to talk if we were worried or sad or excited. I loved that about you- You loved my friends! You were good to them too! And now it was just ripped away from me.

I'm still reeling. I've had several cups of coffee, which hasn't helped the situation. WHAT AM I THINKING!? YESTERDAY AT THIS TIME I WOULD HAVE NEVER IMAGINED THIS! I was looking forward to my emails today. And I had some business to attend to. All that- ruined!

I know in my heart that I don't deserve this... and someday I'm going to be able to log into a service while at work and it will be even better....maybe... maybe I'll never find a service, but I think I will... and I'm going to realize that you, gmail... you were not what you were cracked up to be.

But They Don't Let You Ride the Camels Anymore....

When I went to SanDiego with my friends last weekend, I compromised with them: NO SeaWorld, OK SanDiego Zoo. Going to the zoo was not something I was particularly excited about, but it was the CLEAR winner. I've only been to SeaWorld twice and I've been to the SanDiego Zoo numerous times, but both SeaWorld trips were a total bust! (No penguins? WTF?)
Now maybe it was the venti latte I had right before we went...

But when we got to the zoo's entrace, I was excited!

The day had it's winners and losers but I did some major thinking that day about zoos. After spending the day there, and talking to my friend Melissa at the zoo while Kendall took OVER 300 PICTURES of ANIMALS AND FLOWERS, I have come to a conclusion about zoos and the reason we (or more accurately I), have such a love/ hate thing going on.

Taking pictures in front of an elephant with your friends....

SUPER COOL!

Seeing a hippopatamus in person?

CRAZY AMAZING!

But birds that look like parakeets?

BULLSHIT!

DUCKS!?

SUPER BULLSHIT!

Exhibits like that make me bored, angry and make me want to drink tequilla straight from a bottle in a closet..... (Note: It's true- see- I'm wearing the same dress as in the zoo pictures!)

So that's my conclusion! Thank you for letting me get on my soap box.....

Or fake hippopatamus, as it were.

Remember college.....

Not like this:

Welcome to BinghamtonUniversity.com!

If I could come up wtih THE most inaccurate depiction of my four years at Binghamton University, THAT'S the picture I would use- BUT that's the image I got when I accidently went to binghamtonuniversity.com instead of binghamton.edu. CLEARLY an unofficial webiste with a VERY unofficial picture of the place!

And that caption on top! Insinuating that Binghamton University welcomes you with a hammock on a beach and alludes to the possibility that there's a waiter off to the side with a frozen drink just WAITING for you! (There's NOT!) I loved Binghamton and I'm happy that that's the place I decided to go to college.... but let's be honest with ourselves and to future attendees: there are no frozen drinks! Well...sometimes at themed frat parties they attempt them but in those cases you're drinking them at this place and places like this:


and your memories end at about midnight due to the grain alchohol used.

Also- there's no SUN in Binghamton! The places exudes deadness. There are several days in the spring and fall when we saw sun, but we treated those like the first coming and there are definitely no hammocks involved.

Like I said, super happy to have gone, lots of great feelings towards the place, but there are going to be some pretty disappointed 18 year olds in the Southern Tier next fall.

Baby Boy Blue

I would imagine that working as a Genius at the Apple Store is very much like a career as a pediatric cardiologist.

I just got back from the Apple Store because my ipod started flipping out recently- doing crazy things like turning off for no good reason, saying crazy things, threatening me, and just being a general asshole.

My ipod was out of warranty and I didn't expect much, but then the Apple Genius, Nate, came back with a look in his eye.

Apple Genius Nate: As you know I don' t think that your ipod is really going to last much longer....

Me: (sigh) I suspected.. but I just didn't want to believe it...

AGN: And you're out of warranty by a few months... so....

Me: (tearfully) I know, I know... I should have acted sooner, I just thought it was just normal problems, I didn't think it was fatal... I figured it would go away...

AGN: Well, yes, but... I looked in the cabinet and we happen to have a blue mini ipod that would exactly replace your blue mini ipod...

Me: Oh my God.. OH MY GOD.. I can't believe you're doing this... I can't believe there's a match!!

AGN: Well, just a minute maam'.. it's not goin to be exactly the same... we don't have an engraver.. so you've lost that... but everything should be in perfect working order as soon as you install your songs....

Me: That's FINE! I don't even care if it's BLUE. I'm just so greatful! I don't know ... I just don't know how to THANK YOU.. I don't know what to say... I feel so... so....

AGN: No problem.. have a nice day Miss. Green

And then he sent me off with a pat on my ass** and a twinkle in his eye and I felt like a girl whose child had just recieved a new heart and who was taking that child on vacation to her favorite city in America with two of her oldest and best friends to eat tacos. Oh wait! I am a girl who's doing that! Except with my baby blue IPOD!


**He didn't really pat me on my ass but if he did that would have been just FINE by me since I was so greatful. IN FACT, if I ever see AGN at a bar, I hope no one minds, but I am definitely buying him drinks and making out with him because HE DESERVES IT!!!