Starting to Use

Growing up I was heavily warned and brainwashed against vending machines. My mother really expressed such disgust for those who used vending machines that I always had the impression that vending machines were part of some elaborate money making scheme for assholes who were too stupid to realize. These were probably, I thought, the same assholes who went to the ice cream man, who's scheme was also money making but also to rot young children's teeth. That's why my cousin Brandon had cavities- his grandmother on the other side of the family once bought him a popsicle shaped as a man's face from the ice cream man.

I remember in high school after lunch, or at musical rehersal after school, being hungry, but going to the vending machine was never even an option- I wouldn't do it. I dont' know if anyone ever suggested it, but I'm sure I would have made some excuse. So if I was hungry I would call my mom and she woudl bring me more food. From home. And this was way better than spending 80 cents on a bag of pretzels to her, and thus, to me. Let me say now that my mom didn't convince me of much in my young life, but this, she got me with.

Bring your daughter to work day however, offered me a startling revelation. My dad used vending machines. Yeah- I know. You think you know someone. He didn't even hide if from me. When he accidently said "fuck" at work, he tried to sluff over if, but the vending machine- he just did it in front of me. First a cup of coffee from one and then some pretzels from the other. "If mommy only knew," I thought, "we have pretzels at home, you could have JUST BROUGHT THEM FROM HOME. There's a Dunkin Donuts down the street DAD- I'm SURE you're bosses woudl be cool with you taking a 15 min break, you didn't need to resort to the vending machines!"

But he did. And as I had a minor nervous break down in front of the machines I wondered, what would I do when my mom asked me about the day. I would be able to keep the f-word incident under wraps, but this.....I just didn't know. But I had to. It would break her heart. He was one of them. One of those dumb vending machine using assholes. This was probably why my mom had to clip coupons- my dad was squanding $1.45 a day on coffee and pretzels.

My fears of vending machines have since died down, although I must say I do feel pangs of guilt when using them.

I have been lately though.

Using them.

At work. I made a comment the other day in front of my mom at the store that some cookies that she was buying me I'd "keep at my desk, in case I got hungry and wanted a snack." She'd never know that last week I bought Famous Amos mini chocolate chip cookies for 80 cents from the vending machine. I was covering it up by showing her that I was preparing for hunger pangs in the future. She'd never suspect about the past.

Funny thing though, after I bought those cookies my change came back after I put a dollar in. Fifty cents! I guess there must have already been some change in the coin holder.

This morning I did it again.

Used.

When I walked up to it I felt guilty- especially because I wanted peanut M & M's and they were 2.00 in the machine. Which is WAY over priced. I stared to think my mom was right, but I did it anyway, settling on Oatmeal Raisin cookies. 80 cents. I put in exact change.

And 35 cents came back! WHAT!?!?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Cuz I'm thinking my mom and I have been the fools for all these years and I don't understand why my dad didnt' let us in on it.

It's My Half Birthday

And I'd like this shirt

And this cookbook

A gift certificate here

And this sweater

And this electronic device

And go to this restaurant

And go on this vacation

And this ring

And this role

And this girl's job

But I especially would like that shirt.

Worth It

Last night my roommate interrupted my "Bachelor" watching experience to tell me that Jodie Sweetin is in rehab for crystal meth.

That's right, StephanieTanner, the middle Tanner daughter on "Full House" and the comedic genius behind the phrase "How Rude" is a meth head.

Some things are just worth interrupting "The Bachelor."

Please keep Sienna Miller

in your prayers, as I suspect she is recently, increasingly launching into a deep depression:

Jude and Sienna: It's the End

I love this part:

"The family had an absolutely brilliant time in the jungle. They were laughing, getting excited and really looking after each other. And Sadie is not going
to take a nanny to LA either."

Uh? No she's not? I wonder WHY? This information assures that they are in fact together I would suspect.

Jude Law is totes on my shit list. Be warned Jude, be warned.

Orange Ya Glad I Got a Metaphor For Ya

Lately I've been eating a lot of oranges. Before bed I've been craving an orange. So right before I go to sleep I have one. I was thinking last night- Why? I'm not even hungry. But somehow an orange feels really clean and purifying.

This morning I took an orange to work. Pure, clean, wonderfully smelling orange. I started eating it, wedge by wedge. Perfect way to start the morning. Then, I took a wedge off and all of the sudden all of this dirt fell out. DIRT! Black, horrible looking dirt! And LOTS of it. How terribly unexpected!

I'm sorry for this, but I couldn't help thinking it was a metaphor for my life.

I COULD be wrong but....

My new local subway station is one where you have to stand on line after leaving the subway and wait your turn to go through the turning doors to exist the station. It takes an extra little bit of time.

I don't know if I imagined this but I'm pretty sure I remember there being a terrorist attack a few years ago in this exact city. I'm also pretty sure I either like... read in like the paper... or maybe heard on TV once or twice that subways are a big ticket item for terrorists.

I guess what's an extra few seconds when it comes to terrorism.

Retards.

Some Mom V-Mail

"Hi sweetheart! Just wanted to call you before I left- Judy and I are g oing to the movies. We're seeing some sort of cowboy movie. Sound interesting. Anyway..."

"My nephew's a doctor," "Mine- an accountant," "And mine is a....."

Some say internet dating isn't safe, so how does a girl get a date in this town I ask?

Perhaps a co-worker (but not Peter Braunstein), or perhaps through a mutual connection and setup. Seems safest. Not for my friend Janet.

Here is the e-mail I recieved from Janet:

Can you believe this???
On Christmas day we were at a party at my moms friends house and there was a woman there who said she really wanted to set me up with her nephew.. kept talking about how great his is, etc.
So I told her she could give him my #.
So today I see this # on my phone of someone who called and didn't leave a message and i do reverse phone lookup on the internet and see its this guy.
So then I google him..
and this is what i find....

"A New York City attorney has been arrested when he allegedly went to Ronkonkoma to pick up - who he thought was a 13-year-old girl he met on the Internet. Suffolk County Police say it was a detective who posed as the teen-aged girl.
Suffolk Police say 30-year-old [potential date] of Manhattan is being charged with attempted dissemination of indecent material to a minor.
Police say [potential date] engaged in sexually graphic on-line chats with the a person he thought was a 13-year-old girl. He arranged to meet the girl at the Ronkonkoma Railroad station and take her back to his Manhattan apartment."

The lesson here: Google stalking is hereby totally OK. I've google stalked just about everyone I know and just about everyone I don't know. I've google stalked YOU.

And if Janet didn't google stalk potential date she'd be on his plate for dinner. Or at least on a date with a pedaphile. And when does that topic come up? I guess after dessert at Friendly's.

Janet's mom's friend e-mailed the woman who did the setting up with the found googled offense and wrote, "I think Janet is a little too old for your nephew."