Thank you for a little bit of a raise would you like to see a little bit of cleavage?

Today was my SURPRISE End of Year Review! Surprise because they accidentally scheduled this review with another Helen Green who works here, so I only found out about it immediately before. Needless to say- I did not come to work exactly review ready. NOT needless to say that although in some ways I disregard this job, I do in fact want to keep it till I get ANOTHER job AND I do NOT like to be ill prepared.

But I showed up ill prepared because I was not dressed in 'review wear'- I was instead wearing a very cute, although low cut jumper with a floppy bow above the waist, footless tights, heels and cardigan. Ponytail in hair. Honestly, I can't take credit for the adorable look- I saw Rachel Bilson wearing it on the cover of Teen Vogue a few months ago and thought, 'I gotta recreate it!' So here I am all (cross your fingers) Rachel Bilsonish sitting in my cube, Valentine's Day Roses to my left, jeans in a dry cleaning bag hanging behind me, illegal cubicle warmer at the bottom of my chair where my feet should be except I'm sitting sort of Indian style, Grande Skim Cap in hand, flipping through a journal looking book that says 'Lucky Duck' on the cover, gabbing on the phone having a conversation that may or may not have gone like this,

"Ohmigod so you just bailed on them?! (I swivel around in my chair) ........... yeah seriously, whatever, F them..........you should totally get wasted on their dime!"

I could have been in a dorm room. OK honestly, I could have been in my high school bedroom.

The older of the other two assistants came over and loudly whispered, "did you SEE her, she's ON THE FLOOR!" and if I had paid attention or asked for an explanation she would have told me that it was the HR woman perusing our work space before reviews, but instead, I was all,

"UGH I'm on the phone with my friend, who's having a crisis!" then I swung around on my chair and was like, "my roommate says that that was even worse than 'Because I Said So!'........... No! Seriously!"

(Exaggerating about my demeanor? Perhaps I am- but only because I am not a bitch, I was polite when the older admin came over. I was like "1 minute," pointed to phone, "upset friend" and then I made a sad face and THEN I was like "that movie is supposed to be TERRIBLE!")

So when I finally got off the phone and the younger of the admin assistants came over to inform me of the blunder with the other Helen Green recieving my meeting planner, I was all, "I didn't know! I wouldn’t have dressed like this!"

"Yeah...." she seemed to agree, "You should make sure to have REALLY good posture in this meeting."

I looked down. This morning while dressing I had thought, 'Why do I always wear this jumper with a shirt underneath it? That's silly... Rachel Bilson didn't do that!' But NOW I remember why! UGH. I am not used to having cleavage! I have gained a few pounds from having a boring desk job and they seem to have gone to mostly the right places. I am not impressed with boobs. I hope they go away now that I've decided not to continue to snack at my desk for boredoms sake.

Anyway, despite the fact that I am looking for a new job, that I could do this job with my eyes closed, the fact that my bosses regularly vocalize their appreciation of me, and the fact that I do not plan to make a career as an admin assistant, I was a little nervous going to the meeting. I had made a mockery of my cubicle! I like awkward situations but I do not like awkward situations when I'm the one feeling awkward and I was afraid she'd be screaming at me, "You look like your going to sorority rush!" and then maybe she'd bring up, "What's with this theme in your blog about not wanting to marry an investment banker- that is NOT team spirit! You should be proud to potential share a life with a member of this team!" Because 'Team Spirit' is BIG in these meetings!

I buttoned the top 3 buttons on my cardigan, which looked very silly with the floppy bow and walked into the room slipping into Interview-Mode Helen with every step. HR lady was VERY professional. (I bet she's never taken her dry cleaning to work!) Kept speaking about the standards we have here and how she was going to give me feedback from both my bosses AND from her liaison from the floor. (Sneaky- a liason!) This woman was thoroughly schooled in the art of Human Resource speak. Suddenly I felt like this job was the be all end all job. I apparently hold a VERY important position here- which.. I never even knew! But OMG! I am so 'vital' to the 'team' and my 'performance' is 'crucial' to 'ensure smooth goings on.'

Me!

Before giving me the feedback though, she looked from the papers to me and said, "Well, it seems we have quite a theme with your feedback, and that theme centers around your modicum of professionalism."

SHIT. I buttoned a fourth button.

She looked at the papers and read off, "Helen is the epitome of professionalism..... .. next one says: Multiple clients have commented on Helen's combination of friendliness without losing her professionalism... Helen is the most efficient and professional Administrative Assistant I have ever had." I blushed. Both because I do not take compliments very well and also because I felt like my bosses and I were having an inside joke where they lied about me because they like me.

But then, after the slew of lovely comments she said, "And now onto the areas where you could develop on." OH. Here we go. What was I gonna hear?:

• "Keep your boobs to yourself Green!"
• "Next year Helen should not get so drunk at the holiday party to the point where she trips and bites her lip, enflamming it."
• "I wish Helen hadn’t accused me of vague sexual harassment on her blog."
• "Helen has several inane phone conversations with her boyfriend a day where she just continually says, "No YOU shut up...." and then giggles."
• "Helen once wore a see through black skirt to the office with a thong. But in her defense she obviously realized this and went shopping for a new skirt at lunch."

She spoke "Actually there's really not much here... oh.. "Helen is much more intelligent than the other administrative assistants and could definitely do a job more difficult."* There was awkward pause after she read that.

The HR woman looked up and took off her glasses, "Well... I'm sure you can be proactive amongst your group of admins and take a position of leadership." Silence. Awkward. I was going to suggest perhaps a monthly birthday party, but I don't think that's what the writer of the comment meant.

I think one of my bosses was insuating that I should quit in an, 'if you were my daughter,' sort of way, "Move On, kiddo!" "Get a real job, sweetheart," "Hel, you're gaining weight and losing brain cells! Come on now!"

And I have to say, me and my cleavage agree.

* I am not a braggart. This is not a feat.