Stupid Things I've Done at Holiday Parties

1987:I performed a strip tease, for my family. I sexily took my velvet maroon jumper off over my head, unbuttoned my lacey collared shirt, slunk off my wool tights. After that Christmas my Grandfather suggested to my mom I stop watching 'Young and the Restless'.

1989: Realizing my Dancing Raisins XMas nightgown was on backwards, I squirmed around in my sleeping bag to reverse it which, prompted rumors in school that I had been, "pretending to make out with Pat V."

1997: After professing my love for my band teacher and blabbering otherwise on a video camera in a champagne induced stupor, I begged, BEGGED my friends to "not release these tapes" if I ever decided to run for..... wait for it... not president..... Miss. America! They got this on tape as well, but luckily my friends have misplaced it. Hopefully forever because I don't want to risk that crown.

1998: Let a drunken hairdresser give me a haircut, not long after and without any sort of prompting, he called me and my friends sluts and told us we were all doing to die of STDs.

2001: Made friends with the girl from "My Girl" but never brought up what Mac was really like. I did however, discuss restaurants with her and I still have a signed copy of a 2003 Zagats that she gave me.

2002, afterparty: After my ex-boyfriend's drunken boss seemingly handed me her cigarette to hold while she did something (probably ate a hotdog, we were at classy midtown joint, Rudy's) I was carried out of the bar by the bouncer. Me (because I had had too many dirty martinis, because I am generally oblivious sometimes and because I was deep in conversation with my now roommate) had no idea what the problem was and why a man had come behind me and lifted me up by the elbows and removed me from the bar, until after much whining on my part, I assure you, he told: "You're not even going to be allowed to have a CIGARRETTE at a bar in NY soon, never mind a joint." Thanks ex-boyfriend's ex-boss!

2003: After too much Makers Mark told a friend that he needed to "genuinely apologize" to me about something he had done 6 months prior (a drunken request of mine that I consider valid.) However, in response to my decision that his apology was not genuine enough (because Makers gives good judgment) I frustratingly and unecessarily threw my cardigan at him.

2004: Called a police officer a "star fucker," not realizing he was in earshot. For the record he WAS a star fucker so he did not call me out on it.

2005: I kissed someone who once threw a shoe at me in college.

2006: I woke up with lip swollen and without my new brown button down sweater.

(BTW, I have about 7 more Holiday Parties of 2007 to do something stupid at! Exciting!)