Wedding Vows

1. "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" will not even be a consideration. Nor will any other songs from any "Party Mix of the 80s" CDs.

2. No Poofy Dresses. No Sparkles.

3. No Introductions. The future Mr. Helen Green and I will both know everyone present at the wedding, there will be no need for introductions.

4. No strobe lights or "party buses." No bringing back memories from the worst prom you ever went to.

5. We will NOT take dance lessons. The first dance will be an emotional onslaught of love NOT a bunch of robotic maneuverings.

6. No paraphanelia (leis, moracas, fireman hats). In fact my wedding will in no way resemble any Sweet 16 you ever went to either. (Unless you know an incredibly classy 16 year old). **No other kinds of paraphanelia either people!

7. Everyone. And I mean EVERYONE will shed tears due to the overwhelming emotion brought on by the day. You doubt me? Yeah? I'm gonna make you cry from sheer emotion and happiness. I am good at that! Don't believe me? I'll give you numbers for references.

8. This will not be a normal day. You will realize while at my wedding that this is the first day of the rest of your life as well. (I am not selfish!)

9. NO GIRLS BATHROOMS. I know it sounds rash. But, although everyone WILL shed some tears, there will be no girls bathrooms because-GIRLS CRY IN BATHROOMS AT WEDDINGS!! And not the kind of crying that I'm encouraging. There's a secret club in the bathrooms at weddings and you get in only if you cry. (I know this because I can totally crash this club. I have a sympathetic smile. I am an actress.)

10. No humping or grinding. If any of this occurs this person will be kicked out no matter how close they are to the groom or myself. Even if it IS the groom or myself- kicked out. Have I not driven home the fact yet that this will be the classiest semi-casual looking but not casual in spirit wedding that you'll ever attend in your life?! Have I not driven home the fact that this will be the first day of the rest of your life? Do you really want to be humping in front of your relatives or my relatives on that day?!?

11. Drugs. Certain members of my family will recieve sedatives as a "thank you for coming gift" before the wedding even starts. In fact before wedding week even starts.

12. No silly games. HOWEVER there will be a throwing of the bouquet and garter! Because for single people the first day of the rest of your life needs to exude hope!

13. My mom will NOT be cutting my meat for me as soon as it arrives:

Actually maybe she will.

To each his own, but these are my vows. Deal. Look forward to it. (Hope it happens.)

Because, I promise-- the first day of the rest of your life.