Crazy St.James

Alright. I have met some ridiculous people and had some ridiculous experiences. Why do things happen to me? I don't really know. They just do. And just when I thought the crazy was leaving my life (don't read into the statement, I mean in the form of a cracked out Spanish woman), Janet and I stumbled on some more crazy last Saturday night at Kevin St. James bar.

2 crazies. One crazy may not have been crazy. One crazy may have been drunk and pissed that her boyfriend offered to buy me drinks. The way she reacted was kind of crazy, but alas, drunk and jealous, I get it. Why this included her physically forcing me to get out on the dance floor and teach me how to pretend my leg was an electric guitar, I don't get. Why she, being larger than me physically and able to physically manipulate me like a small child, grabbed my hands, after said guitar incident, and as I struggled to get away put both my hands on some guys ass and then squeezed my hands, as to simulate me squeezing his ass, and ran away, I guess I kind of get? She was mad about aforementioned, boyfriend offering to buy me drinks (which I didn't accept, so shouldn't she have been making HIM play the electric guitar on his leg on the dance floor?)and wanted to put me in an awkward situation.

OK, but number 2 was crazy. Well maybe she was just sad. Or maybe she just had an unrealistic concept of herself. I'm a horrible person for having just typed that. Let me explain.... this girl looked like Kristen Johnson (of 3rd Rock from the Sun fame or as Janet put it, "the girl who fell out the window on Sex and the City"(GOD that's totes my fave episode!)) except she was shorter and... well probably weighed a bit more. She was wearing a black spagetti strapped, low cut top and her boobs were falling out, just FALLING OUT, and falling all over the place too. When I first saw her she was sitting next to me on a bench, her legs spread open and she was grabbing male passerbys with her straddled legs. She was dancing provacitively with boys and girls alike (including crazy #1)and I believe I also saw her thrusting at one point.

So Janet, being a bit drunk and me, being tipsy and super aware of all engagement and wedding rings lately, notice this girl has a ROCK on her finger. Huge. Huge in a realistic huge way though, like, a pretty nice ring, although I couldn't see it so well at the time as it was moving up and down some foreign guys back and ass.

OK, so are you ready? Because I'm just going to end it after the punch line for dramatic effect!

Janet, being drunk, asks the girl if she's engaged.

"No Way!" Shorter, fatter, sluttier Kristen Johnson look alike says, "This is my 'stay away from me ring'"