Dear Company Bitch,

Dear Company Bitch,

My name is Helen and I've never written a fan letter before. Actually, that's not true. In 1994 I wrote a letter to Chelsea Clinton telling her that she was going through an awkward phase. I advised her not to listen to her critics, because they were probably just jealous because she had a huge bedroom, most likely with a canopy bed. But other than that, my past is fan letter free.

Upon reading your blog several months ago I immediately fell in love with both the storyline and your witty repartee. I have turned numerous people on to your blog.

Over bi-weekly Monday night wings and beer conversation between myself and my friend, Janet, the conversation often turns back to you, "Do you think CB works in publishing?" "Do you think she looks like me?" "Do you think Re-Boyfriend is an IBanker?" "Maybe I WORK with Re-boyfriend!" The questions go on and on, week after week.

Honestly, she's gone a little far with her obsession of you, CB. If we were all friends (God that'd be so much fun, too!!), she would be the friend who sort of imitated you and made us all uncomfortable and forced us to roll our eyes. She totally wants to BE you. But who can blame her! On one of our more recent weekly outings, Janet informed me that she had taken her old boyfriend, (her Ex-Boyfriend) and Re-Boyfriended him!!! The lengths she'll go to CB! I never thought this far though! I must say I love your blog, but I'm not doing any Re-Boyfriending, and not just for obvious reasons, but also, because, I don't wanna look like a hack!

CB, this city is small. We sit on 9th Avenue at Coppersmith's gazing out the open air entrance and sometimes we see blonde girls whom we could be friends with and one of us will say, "maybe that's CB!" Sometimes when we're a little tipsy at bars we see a boy fawning over a girlfriend- and she seems tough and sassy, and getting him back a little for his former wrong doings, while still being able to maintain a nice, loving relationship, "That could be them!" "We should ask!" We don't though. I swear.

CB, make a young pediatric nutritionist's dream come true. She won't scare you. And you guys can talk and complain about your Re-Boyfriends together. And we have oh-so-many questions to ask of you. Like how you and Re-Boyfriend met and if you think you'll get married, and where you're from and where you live and what you're doing for Halloween because I think we should go as the Double Mint twins, because I think the answer is that yes, we do look alike. Janet can come too, I guess. If you're not, like, scared with her obsession.

Sincerely,
Helen Green